I LIED.

I have been lieing. To my thin self, my fat self, those people helping me. I have been cheating the past two weeks, gorging on chocolate like it was the last food option on earth. It made me sick, dizzy, guilty, ashamed, and frustrated. I wasn't gaining weight, but I wasn't losing weight either. I was doing the exercise plan, but my heart wasn't in to it. I was sabotaging my own success because I wasn't losing weight, because it was hard, because it wasn't working fast enough. Well, I said to myself, there is only one way through this, and its probably going to be slower than you want it. But "self" how much effort are you willing to put in? Because if its 10%, you are going to get back 10%. And I decided that I am going to put in 100% because I want to get back to 100%. And then I shared my frustration with another personal trainer in my center, with my swim coach, and with a nutritionist. And I realized they wanted to help me, they truly did, and I was just refusing to accept that love and gift.

Foolish! But no more. I am accepting the gifts those people are willing to give me, and I only hope that someday I can repay them for the love and encouragement.

This is what I know. There is no magic potion for getting healthy. And if you obess about the weight loss, you are missing the bigger picture. You didn't just get here by overeating. You ate because it was comforting or soothing something you were working through. Personally, I don't think I need to pay a therapist to tell me this, I know it if I am honest with myself. And you have to work through it, or you will just replace one addiction with another. And here is another thing: You have to exercise and you have to make better food choices and eat smaller portions. Its that simple, yet that hard. And one more thing: you won't always get it right. But as my good mentor, coach Kim said: If you mess up one day, make a promise to get back on track the next day. Try not to mess up two days in a row. That to me is manageable. It's a "Don't throw in the towel and quit" kind of a goal.

What I also know is God can fix this if I let him. I can't do this alone. So there it is. God, me, my thin self, my fat self and a whole group of friends and supporters. They didn't just show up at my door though, I had to ask, I had to share, I had to seek people that I admired and that I knew would be there. I prayed to God to put people in my path that would be uplifters, encouragers and touch as nails when I needed it. I got Kim, Dale, Linda, Karlene, Elizabeth, Joan, Michelle and Shauna. And there are more to come I am sure.

So, starting today, I am doing two things. First, I am working with the mental side of things with a book by Mariane Williamson called "A Course in Weight Loss" Check out my Amazon list on the left. I have put it in my "MUST READS". If you would like to get on this journey with me for the next 30 days, I will be reading a chapter a day, and working through the exercises. The seoncd part of this is I am going on a nutrition program with a nutrition coach. It has received some great reviews and I have seen the results, so I am giving it a try. I reckon its not going to be easy, but I want to jump start this challenge in my head. The program is not designed for weight loss, weight loss is a by-product of the program. Its designed to get your body working at peak performance. And since getting healthy is my ultimate goal, I think it might be a great way to start.

If you are sitting on your couch reading this, watching "Biggest Loser" and running a 10K in your mind, then join me. Its time to get up off the couch and get moving.

Check out my Amazon site for the book and join me. Or come back each day and read about it here. WE CAN DO THIS!

Exercise and Healthy Eating as a Way of Life.

I have been reading a book "Thrive" that writes about the top happiest cities in the world by evaluating factual data from surveys and statistics. Sponsored by National Geographic these places are called "Blue Zones" where people are fundamentally happier than anywhere else in the world. The book tells a story of the cities, introducing us to happy people. You might think that these people are rich, have great jobs, etc, but truth be told each has a life much like our own in many ways.

The author goes on to help outline some ways that we can improve our lives and THRIVE. One key point involved exercise. He suggests we make it a part of our lives rather than a forced necessity. Incorporating it might mean riding a bike to work, or walking to the grocery store. Depending on where we live this might be difficult, but is it possible to find new ways of doing the same routines?

If you have been reading my journey, you will notice that I started in steps. First a nutritionist for four months, then I added one 1/2 hour of exercise, then two 1/2 hours 2 days a week. Now I am swimming with the Masters Swim club one day a week, and just added another day with a 1/2 hour of boxing. I never belived a year ago that I would ever be able to do any of this. In small ways I am THRIVING.

Recently I travelled on a business meeting to a trade show. 12 hour days, junk food, no time to exercise. I came home exhausted, irritable and depressed. Was it any wonder? Never in my life have I been so in tune to my body and what it needs to thrive. Regardless of our size at this moment in time, our body needs us to make better choices. No matter how small, one good choice will lead to another.

Looking back I can tell you I went in dreading the thought of exercise. I craved sugar, chocolate and all things bad for me, and now I find myself wanting to do better because I now know how bad I feel when I make a bad choice. It's not a feeling of guilt, its rather a physical run down feeling. Why would I want to keep feeling that way? My only choice is to make a healthy one.

I consistently make bad decisions. I love food. For me I am learning its an addiction and I need to be more aware of my surroundings and why I make the bad choices. A harsh word from a boss, an embarrassing moment will bring out the worst of my eating habits and those triggers can come and go so quickly before I even know all that I have consumed.

One of my mentors/coaches suggested that when I have a bad day, try not to repeat it the next day. So one bad day, one good day. It may take a little longer but I think eventually I will have more good days and less frequent bad days. In the past, one bad day became a littany of conversations in my head about how fat I was, how lazy, how I would never be able to change. Its a goal I plan to work toward. It also makes it a guilt free process. I know I can get up the next day and start again. But its not "Starting over" its just part of the process. Get it? Got it!

BUILD YOUR SUPPORT NETWORK!

For four months I have been exercising, getting on the scale occassionally to see that I have not lost a pound. My trainer continues to tell me its not the weight to worry about right now, its the movement. The goal was to get moving. And I did. I feel lighter at times, but convince myself its all in my head. I realized I was not really following the recommendations of my nutritionist and it was time to get back on track. I also realized that I needed to find a mentor, a coach of some sort that could keep me motivated, offer advise, push me a little or alot as I went through this process. So I asked a member of the company I work for. She is an IRON MAN competitor, and was recently featured in an article in Canada about successful women entrepreneurs. I have always admired her, and new if she was willing that her support would be a well needed addition to my core support group. So I asked her. And she said yes. She lives in Canada, I live in the US, but we talk via email and will track the successes of our goals at conventions we both attend each year.

My first trip will be at the end of January where we both travel to Hawaii. What we do is simple. We email each other each day, our food and exercise diary. She helps me see areas that I need to change some habits. I haven't offered her much at this time, as she has it down pretty solid, but over the first three days what I have learned from her as been HUGE!

Truth is, I had not truly bought into the process. I am exercising, but I have been down right ignoring the eating. I didn't want to change the old ways. Looking at her meals for the day, I realized that while I am living to eat, she is eating to live. Her choices are better, healthier. She doesn't seem to be waiting for the next meal to come. And yet, she has a discipline, a routine in place where she knows what she is eating each and every day. Its imperative for her to have control over what she puts in her mouth. Its important because she has goals outside of food, yet affected by food. She wants to compete and win in IRON MAN. To do that she has to pay attention to her diet.

I want to lose weight, I have to begin to pay attention, I have to incorporate discipline into my eating schedule if I truly want to SUCCEED. As she put it to me yesterday: "Here is my non motivational quote: JUST DO IT!" There are many people in your life that you can look to for motivation, guidance and support. If you are looking for someone, pray about it. Ask God to bring the right people into your life. HE WILL and you will get the support you need to succeed.

Why I am going to do it, and SUCCEED

Today I babysat my two nephews. I have 5 in all and every moment I spend with them is full of giggles, never ending energy, trips to the park, the zoo, craft projects, school work. They are brutally honest, and clearly innocent in all they say and do. And I want to be able to hold my own right up there with them. I am so enamored with these 5 little wonders on wheels. I have held them as babies, rocked them to sleep, fed and changed all of their diapers. I have made them laugh, and disciplined them when they got out of hand. My goal has been to be the best Aunt I can be to these little guys, and to be the best, I have to be healthy. I have to be able to sit, stand, kneel, walk, talk and race them in order to keep up.

And that is why I will do it, and will SUCCEED. I don't want to be knonwn as the fat aunt who can't move. I want to go on every hay ride, every roller coaster ride, every dinosaur archaelogical dig. I want them to know I will show up to their soccer games and stay until the game if over.

And the only way I can do this is to get rid of the excuses. My size has been my excuse for too long. My size affects my energy levels, my ability to move, move up, down, take a simple walk to the park, cook dinner, all of it. I want the total package.

I can't change it all over night. I have to take it one step at a time, but I also have to challenge myself to do things that I may not quite feel comfortable doing. I have to push the envelope a little. Walk before I can run, pay attention to my training and listen to my body.

Its a wonderful world out there and I choose to be in it. Play in it, walk in it, laugh in it, rejoice in it.

The Thing About Exercise...

I hired a personal trainer. I did it because I knew that I needed someone pushing me. It was really easy to say no to myself, but to tell someone else no, wasn't going to be easy. Linda, my personal trainer is an athlete. I think she probably has zero body fat, she has a degree in bio-mechanics (which basically means she knows what muscles do, what food does to your muscles, etc), and she is retired military. I like her because she is a hard working, dedicated trainer, who cares about me as a person. She knows my limits, when she can push me, when I need to refocus, get back on track. And she has a great sense of humor. She cares about me.

This past weekend, I went on vacation. I missed two training days. And I realized that exercise is going to have to be consistent and part of my every day life. While it would be nice to have a trainer every day to make me work out, sometimes, that just isn't going to be possible, and since I am taking my weight and my life into my own hands, then its up to me to incorporate exercise into my my weekly routine and it can't just be two days a week with my personal trainer. Somehow, I have to find a way to build it in to my own personal time.

I went back to working out tonight, and it was hard getting back into it. It was as if my muscles were failing me. I was tired, lethargic, unmotivated. Consistency, routine and discipline will ensure that I am successful. Exercise with or without a trainer has to be a requirement in my life now.

Becaus I am WORTH MY WEIGHT. And I don't settle.

I don't need you to tell me...

Today, someone visting our office referenced his assistant as his "chubby cherub". When said it sounded like a term of endearment. Then my boss said "He must be talking about you". I was hurt and angry. He, as he has done in the past, was drawing attention to my size. He is ignorant to what he says and how it affects others. And today, I stood up to him. Today, I asked why he would think that. I forced him to respond to his answer. It was uncomfortable because I was drawing attention not only to him, but to me as well. But I did it. No one has the right to belittle or demean others. NO ONE. We take it normally because to speak up would draw attention to ourselves. It would make us appear larger not only in size but just larger in the room. And larger, is something we don't want to draw attention to. We spend our time hiding. If we are going to live large, we might as well as live LARGE fully. If we are LARGE than it is okay and it is acceptable. Is it healthy? We know its not, but do we need others telling us what we already know? Do we need others paying attention to it? I am saying no to the community voice that makes obesity bad, or wrong, or unworthy of life's treasures. Yes, obesity is a disease that is killing many people. And yes, we need to do all we can to become healthier and stronger. But not for anyone else but for ourselves. There are a lot of people involved in the decision. Our family, friends, children, loved ones. The longer we stay around the more joy we can experience. But obesity should not be a dirty word, a RED LETTER, that allows people to be demeaning.

From this day forward, I am giving my all to myself, my WORTH. I am worth my weight in GOLD and I am not going to settle for less because I am a LARGE woman. I am not going to settle ever again. I will speak up against rudeness, prejudice, criticism. I am a People Builder, an uplifter, an encourager. I am my own voice, my own success, my own joy, my own person. I am a LARGE Woman. Larger than you know. So those of you who think you know how to help me lose weight, or feel the need to remind me that I am fat...watch out, because I am speaking up.

It's time to be a uplifter.

When I Eat...

I am frustrated today because from the moment I got up, I wanted to eat everything and anything I could find. It had to be sweet, chocolate, fattening. Why? I wish I could give that standard answer that comes out of the mouths of children...and husbands...I Don't Know...because that would be so much easier then getting to the heart of the matter.

The truth is I don't always know why I do what I do, but each day I am more aware of the choices I am making. And this choice, to over do, over eat, over indulge is not a good one. Not when what I really want is to be able to do a hand stand, maybe a few cartwheels. I want to get on a plane and not worry about whether or not the seat belt is going to fit. I want to be able to walk a mile or three if I want to without worrying if I will make it back. I want to sit in a chair because it looks comfortable without the hidden worry of if I will be able to get back up out of the chair when its time to go. I want so much out of my life, that I am much more aware of the eating. I am learning to make better choices, to choose to savor the meal, slow down, eat less because I am enjoying it and not eating simply to deal with an emotion I can't explain. If I do this, I won't get that. CHOICES.

I don't get it right every day and today was one of those days. But tomorrow promises to be better because I am much more aware of why I do what I do.