I LIED.

I have been lieing. To my thin self, my fat self, those people helping me. I have been cheating the past two weeks, gorging on chocolate like it was the last food option on earth. It made me sick, dizzy, guilty, ashamed, and frustrated. I wasn't gaining weight, but I wasn't losing weight either. I was doing the exercise plan, but my heart wasn't in to it. I was sabotaging my own success because I wasn't losing weight, because it was hard, because it wasn't working fast enough. Well, I said to myself, there is only one way through this, and its probably going to be slower than you want it. But "self" how much effort are you willing to put in? Because if its 10%, you are going to get back 10%. And I decided that I am going to put in 100% because I want to get back to 100%. And then I shared my frustration with another personal trainer in my center, with my swim coach, and with a nutritionist. And I realized they wanted to help me, they truly did, and I was just refusing to accept that love and gift.

Foolish! But no more. I am accepting the gifts those people are willing to give me, and I only hope that someday I can repay them for the love and encouragement.

This is what I know. There is no magic potion for getting healthy. And if you obess about the weight loss, you are missing the bigger picture. You didn't just get here by overeating. You ate because it was comforting or soothing something you were working through. Personally, I don't think I need to pay a therapist to tell me this, I know it if I am honest with myself. And you have to work through it, or you will just replace one addiction with another. And here is another thing: You have to exercise and you have to make better food choices and eat smaller portions. Its that simple, yet that hard. And one more thing: you won't always get it right. But as my good mentor, coach Kim said: If you mess up one day, make a promise to get back on track the next day. Try not to mess up two days in a row. That to me is manageable. It's a "Don't throw in the towel and quit" kind of a goal.

What I also know is God can fix this if I let him. I can't do this alone. So there it is. God, me, my thin self, my fat self and a whole group of friends and supporters. They didn't just show up at my door though, I had to ask, I had to share, I had to seek people that I admired and that I knew would be there. I prayed to God to put people in my path that would be uplifters, encouragers and touch as nails when I needed it. I got Kim, Dale, Linda, Karlene, Elizabeth, Joan, Michelle and Shauna. And there are more to come I am sure.

So, starting today, I am doing two things. First, I am working with the mental side of things with a book by Mariane Williamson called "A Course in Weight Loss" Check out my Amazon list on the left. I have put it in my "MUST READS". If you would like to get on this journey with me for the next 30 days, I will be reading a chapter a day, and working through the exercises. The seoncd part of this is I am going on a nutrition program with a nutrition coach. It has received some great reviews and I have seen the results, so I am giving it a try. I reckon its not going to be easy, but I want to jump start this challenge in my head. The program is not designed for weight loss, weight loss is a by-product of the program. Its designed to get your body working at peak performance. And since getting healthy is my ultimate goal, I think it might be a great way to start.

If you are sitting on your couch reading this, watching "Biggest Loser" and running a 10K in your mind, then join me. Its time to get up off the couch and get moving.

Check out my Amazon site for the book and join me. Or come back each day and read about it here. WE CAN DO THIS!

I Hate to Exercise...

Or so I thought. (Grin here). I have always hated to sweat, didn't like to push myself beyond my limits. But an interesting thing happened as I began to MOVE. Just move. That was my personal trainer, Linda's goal. She said, "We just want to get you moving". That was our first goal. I was afraid to move. I had spent so much time trying to protect myself from the pain in my knees, the crippling pain in my back, the sweating that other people may see. I didn't want to fall in front of others, or not be able to do something, that I shied away from MOVING. And what a wonderful thing moving is. Because its easy, and its free, and you learn so much on the path. My "Moving" began when I started walking to take photographs of the birds, walking the simple trail with my husband, and then alone. Taking each step one at a time, sometimes getting down on my hands and knees to scoot from one step to the other.

By the time I started with the personal trainer, I could move, but my balance was bad, my hips hurt, my knees hurt. I complained, not too much (Another GRIN HERE), but I complained. I thought I knew my limits, but my personal trainer knew better. She pushes me to do one more, sometimes slips in a heavier a weight. But all in a way that makes me feel a part of the decision making process.

And I think that is what its really all about. We want to be part of our own change. We need to have a say in our growth and development. For me, my weight caused me to hold back, not always speak my piece. But as I began to tackle one problem after the other, I realized that only I am ultimately responsible for my successes and my failures.

An attitude that says "I hate to exercise" may be true at the time, but we should add, "I will do it anyway because I KNOW it will make me stronger". I think that our negative thoughts force us to figure out who we really are, what we really like and to move in the direction that makes us complete.

There are parts of exercise I do not like. Those that challenge my knees, those I have to do while laying on the floor because its so difficult to get up off the floor are on my top two list. I haven't ventured onto the floor yet in front of all those people. But I do the knee exercises anyway, because I know it makes me stronger.

Today, I was able to move from a sitting position into a standing one without using my hands to push me up. For many that may sound so simple, for me it is not. I don't mind the sweat anymore. It makes me feel like a part of this new healthy club. I am getting stronger each and every day, and those little extra challenges push me to move forward, to keep coming back.

Sometimes you just have to show up and do it anyway.